BROKEN SPIRIT:

A Little Introduction

The book of John describes a particular important event in Christian history. It wasn’t something as miraculous as the healings by Christ or the Gospel truth behind the Resurrection. Still, the third chapter of John details the highly important meeting between Jesus Christ and a highly educated Pharisee by the name of Nicodemus.

While most Christians know the sixteenth verse of this chapter by heart, it is actually the divine truth described by the Messiah earlier in this chapter that should hold the same amount of importance to Christian theology.

Being born-again doesn’t mean you were baptized as a baby or raised up in a Christian household. As the evangelist Dr. Billy Graham once said in a sermon, “You can be born in a garage, but that doesn’t make you a motorcar.” Being born again is a matter of faith and trust. It is a personal decision made consciously later in life. It is in CHOOSING to follow Christ. It is in being offered the material things of a broken world and rejecting all of it in favor of God and His promises.

It took 26 years for me to come to that decision and I am forever grateful I have a God with an abundance of patience.

Denying the cross

I wish I could say I had a relationship with God my entire life. I wish I could say I lived a life devoted to God and sharing the Gospel with everyone I encountered. Unfortunately, that would all be a lie. In truth, I spent most of my life denying the cross of Christ. Maybe not in the flesh, but in spirit. Consciously, I believed there was a higher power. I believed there was some truth to Scripture. At the end of the day, where it mattered the most, my heart still denied the Truth of the Gospel.

On the outside, I seemed like any other professing Christian. I was baptized as an infant. I was raised in a Christian household. I went through Lutheran catechism classes. I read and knew what the Bible said. I maintained a life seeking to honor God’s standards. Overtime, temptation and selfish desire chipped away at my beliefs about God.

Near the end of high school, I started dating. While I tried to maintain an abstinent attitude, I was pulled into another way of thinking. I told myself that God didn’t care about waiting until marriage so long as it was within the confines of a committed relationship. When that relationship was ending, I begged God for help. When nothing happened, I assumed it was God punishing me for breaking His standards. I made a promise to do better.

Enter my next relationship. My faith in God was dwindling even more. Politically, I started aligning more with a progressive worldview as I was attending art school for photography and design and made many friends within that political circle. To not over complicate it, between a ugly breakup and a bad rep for Christianity in America, I distanced myself from religion. I developed a mistrust of God and Scripture and started adopting an atheistic and humanist worldview. That was 2016.

I started to live a life focused on myself. I felt that I didn’t need some all-powerful being to “make it” in life. I made my own path in life without any regard to the plans of God. For three years, I lived a life of self-gratification and desire. (Although, I had been living that way of life way before I chose to reject the Truth.)

OUT OF DESIRE, TRUTH FINDS A WAY IN

Enter 2019. I was a college graduate. I spent many months focused on getting to that next chapter in life. To my surprise, an old friend I had a lot of feelings for re-entered my life. Freshly single and with goals and aspirations like mine, I saw an amazing opportunity. Only one problem: she wanted a “man of God.”

I read the Bible. I sat through church sermons, before. I even went through Lutheran catechism. I could fake it. Maybe I might even grow to love it again. Anything to have a chance with her. I dusted off my Bible and got a refresh on Christianity. While I engaged in conversation with her on Christian doctrine, I worried she would see through the lies. I needed to do better. I had to go back to church.

In the past decade, I had only been to church a handful of times for funerals or special occasions. If I was going back, it had to be on my terms. My father attended a modern Evangelical church. That would be a good place to start. Even better, they were starting a new series based in Genesis about a “story” I was familiar with: Joseph, the interpreter of dreams. Okay, cool. This should be easy. Little did I know, this was what God had planned on for years…

It didn’t take long. Through the lyrics of worship music and the teachings of Genesis, God made His way into my soul. A man who felt as if God had abandoned him and left him to struggle on his own. A man with dreams and aspirations thrown into a prison of the literal and of the mind. It’s as if God had used a story I was all too familiar with to call me back home.

My whole life, I had realized, God had planted seeds for trees that would finally bear fruit more than a decade later. I had loved the parable about the prodigal son as a child only to realize that I would BE the prodigal son later in life. I had always been fascinated with the account of Joseph’s life only to understand that my life would be strikingly similar.

A LEAP OF FAITH

With these revelations, a dilemma presented itself. While I now had a desire to know God, I couldn’t say in confidence that it was for the right reasons. After all, I was still chasing after someone else. If I was to follow God, it would have to be for a relationship with Him rather than for another woman.

Even still, I was still pursuing a career in the arts. Maybe I was getting closer to God just so He can bless my career pursuits. What is the point of following Christ if it’s just for selfish gain?

November 4, 2019. I ended any potential relationship with the woman and informed her of my desire for spiritual growth, instead. That night and into the morning, something truly miraculous happened. I spent many hours that night going back and forth on my decision to pursue God. Was I really going to give up all my dreams and desires to pursue God?

“You’re a smart man, Zach. Think about this. Are you really going to throw everything away for an unprovable belief?”

After much self-persuasion, I walked outside in the wee hours of November 5th. I collapsed to the ground and gave my life to God. I was tired. I was broken. I was lost. I had nothing to give God. I hadn’t lived a life that would satisfy His standards. As I sat there with my head buried into the wet grass, I reflected over a life denying Christ. I wasn’t even sure if God would accept my apologies. I felt I was too broken and disappointed God one too many times for Him to accept me.

Then, the words of Jesus ran through my mind. “For God so loved the world…”

In that moment, I knew God’s love. I was reassured by Scripture that God’s love had no limits. That He would welcome me with open arms. Many people would be satisfied by that outcome. They would have stood back up and started their new life. But, I was a doubting man. I was raised on science and reasoning. I needed PROOF.

I had been crying so much that night that I could barely speak. With all the energy I had, I spoke out through the tears, “God, I need you…” In those few words, I told God I needed to KNOW He was there. That He wasn’t some distant God watching from afar, but a loving Father that was there in the darkest nights and deepest valleys of our lives.

Within seconds, I felt a presence like no other. A love like none that I have ever felt. Like a parent putting their child to bed at night, my heavenly Father was there with me.* The holy and righteous God over everything made the time and effort just to let a lowly sinner like me know that he was loved.

NOTE: I would later come to understand this as the coming of the Holy Spirit, the third Person of the Holy Trinity and an extension of God Almighty.

EPILOGUE

My journey had only just began. Over the next couple years, I would devote all of my time to knowing God more. Many organizations and ministries would play a part in my spiritual journey. Through commentaries, sermons, and meditation over Scripture itself, I would grow to have a committed relationship through Christ. many of the resources that helped me along this journey can be found be clicking the link below.